I did it

I did it. I asked Brian to move in with me. Yes, I know it's crazy, just about as crazy as me buying this old three-bedroom Victorian three years ago. But I've got the space, and things have been going so amazingly between us. Here's the even crazier part, he said yes. He actually said he had thought about it, but was afraid to ask because he wasn't sure if that's what I wanted. A year ago, I would have agreed with him. Sharing my space, heck, my life with anyone seemed like a lost cause. But Brian just gets me. And he's stayed by me, even through the Karen fiasco and Manny's untimely appearances. Any man who puts up with that kind of drama must care. I'll be emptying a closet and cleaning out a few drawers over the weekend, and I couldn't be happier.

Got the man, now I just got to win over his mother. Would have made things go over a lot more smoothly at Thanksgiving if he had told her about me. But that's just Brian - he doesn't seem to see things like race or color. So, our initial meeting was a shock for her. But I'm sure once she comes to the house and sees how Brian and I fit so well together, she fall in love with me just as much as I've fallen in love with her son. Maybe we can invite Arden and Damien over as well, and we can have a nice family gathering for dinner. That is, as long as I don't cook.

Not a good way to start 2006

This is not the way I expected to start off 2006. I know I've been avoiding dealing with what happened between Karen and me. I just wanted to get through New Year's, and then figure out a way to handle the whole mess. I should have known that wasn't going to happen smoothly.

I was supposed to celebrate the New Year with Brian at some party downtown that Damien had arranged, and then stay overnight at Brian's for the first time. I've only been to his place a few times, so this was going to be real special. I even packed a little overnight bag. But when we got the call about Karen's overdose, I couldn't even make it across the bridge. I had to be with her, just to make sure she's going to be OK. I don't hate her. I'm just torn between how angry at I am over what she did and how I should be there for her, professionally if nothing else, to help her get through this.

It's ironic: Manny comes over to see how I'm holding up, and he winds up saving Karen's life. But why did he even come over here in the first place? Why can't he get the message that he and I are through, instead of needling me to see if there's still something there. Because there isn't. And even if I did still have any lingering feelings for him, after the way he hurt me, I would never let him know it. -- AG

Do We Ever Really Know Anyone?

I need to calm down -- how could she do this me? How could I have been so blind? Karen destroyed my life for months with those letters. And she tells me she did it out of love? I'm not even upset over the fact that she wanted us to be in a relationship, if she had just come to me, we could have talked through her feelings and worked it out. But all the lying and manipulation and deceit -- I'm trained to recognize people's faults, how could I missed such a huge one in my own best friend? That's a laugh. I never had a friend, just some woman who was looking for every chance to tear down my world and try to take away the best thing that's ever happened in my life. One thing is certain. I meant what I said to her when I walked out of the office. There is no way I am ever going to forgive Karen for what she's done.

As for Brian, why did it take me so long to believe him? I don't see how he can ever truly forgive me for doubting him. And yet, he's stayed, in spite of all this craziness. Maybe I don't deserve his forgiveness or compassion or his love. But I am so lucky to have it. Because right now, I don't think I could make it through this on my own. -- AG

Two sides to every story?

I can’t believe what happened today at work. I was sitting in my office, working on Dan Levin’s case, when Karen and Cyrus burst in. Cyrus then told me that he actually witnessed a confrontation between Karen and Brian, and that it had gotten physical. If that wasn’t enough for me to process, Brian showed up a little while later while Karen was in the office, and he demanded to know why she has been lying to me. I tried to reason with the both of them, but it was a futile attempt: neither one would budge on their side of the story.

I just don’t understand it. I’ve been alone with Brian for countless hours and not once has he ever gotten rough with me ‘ he’s hardly raised his voice when we are having a debate. Still, how long have a really known him, a few months’ And we really haven’t talked about our past relationships. Sure, I’ve mentioned Manny a few times -- I had to after our uncomfortable encounter at the restaurant a few weeks back. But Brian hasn’t brought up any old girlfriends - maybe all those relationships ended badly because of his unruly behavior? No, I just
don’t believe it. There’s nothing in this man’s demeanor that would lead me to believe he’s capable of unwarranted aggression. But how can I not believe Karen? She’s been my best friend forever, she’s stood by my side during all my crappy relationships, and she’s been there when they’ve fallen apart. She’s always had my best interest at heart, and if she thinks there’s something wrong with Brian, I can’t just ignore it, can I?

You know what? I’m just not going to worry about it right now. Thanksgiving’s almost here, and Brian has invited me to accompany him to the Ramos estate for dinner to meet the rest of his family. We’ll just have a nice evening without any drama. It should be a wonderful night. --AG

Inappropiate Behaviors

I spoke with Brian about Karen's fears that he was hitting on her at dinner the other night. He wasn't too happy that I asked, which is understandable, but I think it's for the best. The last time we had a communication malfunction, it almost ended our relationship. He told me he hadn't made any type of move of her. And even though I didn't need his reassurance, it was nice to hear.

I can only conclude that Karen misinterpreted his gestures of kindness. She has been acting a little erratic ever since Brian and I started dating. Still, she's not writing herself those love letters. But to implicate Brian? He would never do anything like that.

Maybe this is just a type of displaced jealousy. Karen hasn't been in a relationship for a while. Maybe she can't handle anyone else being in one, so she subconsciously sabotages those around her. What am I saying? Karen's my best friend. She wants me to be happy. She would never do anything like that either, right? -- AG

Hectic Day

I hardly had enough time to finish my caseload this afternoon -- the only thing getting me through it was that I knew I was going to have dinner with Brian. Then CR had a bad reaction to the new meds we put her on, so I had to stay later than expected. Brian drove all this way to see me, and it would have been so unfair of me to ask him to hang around for a few hours while I worked. I mean, he already spends enough time in a hospital. So I was just going to cancel our plans.

But Brian saved our night -- he offered to take Karen to dinner until I was free. I've been concerned about Karen feeling left out since I've gotten involved with Brian, and there he was, willing to make time for my best friend! How amazing is this man?

Dinner was practically over by the time I got to Sutter's Mill, but he didn't seem to mind. He just ordered another diet coke while I grabbed a bite to eat and Karen and I hashed over the day's gossip. I just hope she didn't notice us playing touchy feely under the table. Hey, it's been a week since we were first together, I'm not sure I could have held out much longer! Thank god I didn't have to. Brian stayed over, and it was just as fabulous as the last time. I am falling so hard and so fast for this man, and I truly believe the feelings are mutual. I don't know if I deserve to be this incredibly and deliriously happy, but I am so glad that I am. ? AG

My First Blog

It's been an incredible day. It started out ordinary enough, and then Brian showed up at the hospital. He got my crazy voice mail, and he still came to see me. Somehow, I didn't get the message he had left me (got to remember to ask Karen about that), so he was so glad when I left one for him. He said he wanted to give us a second chance, and before I knew it, I had ditched work and invited him back to my place for coffee. Coffee turned into us making out on my living room couch and then making our way upstairs to my bedroom where we made love for the first time.

It was incredible, so spontaneous and freeing -- something I never felt with Manny. I finally found someone who is really special, and I have a really good feeling this is going to last. Karen's timing was way off tonight, calling me just as Brian and I were basking in the afterglow. I wonder why she was so shocked that we were together. I think she knows by now how much I want to have Brian in my life. Maybe she needs to be reassured that I'm not one of those gals who ditches all their friends when they get involved with a new man, though it would be great if she met someone too. We could double date! She really deserves to be happy.

It looks like my secret admirer has given up as well; I haven't heard from him in a couple of weeks. Even though I'd still like to know why it happened, I'm willing to put that in the past to concentrate on what really counts: Brian and I building a future together. -- AG